You guys probably thought you were going to get away with not having a few write-ups this year.
For the three of you that actually requested this here’s a warning: Be careful what you wish for.
The guys who haven’t played well probably think you are getting off easy since I went out and shot 80 today. I’m pretty sure I didn’t count a single hole with Luett as a partner and that’s pretty tough to do.
But, all that means is I have more ammo from the mean shit my wife and kids said as they beat me with a cane when I got home for embarrassing the family name.
Sponsors
Just a reminder that this year’s post has a sponsor. If you guys are looking for any of the latest swimwear or barely-there “clothes” for your wife or girlfriends then check out Hauls by Kate on Tik Tok:
https://www.tiktok.com/@haulswithkb
Of course, if you aren’t in the market for that kind of thing Bair says it gets past the safety filters at work whenever pornhub gets blocked.
Next year maybe I’ll get her to advertise her OnlyFans account.
Odds/Betting Explanation
Odds are posted below if you want action on you or your teammates. Base bets are $20 and every bet will move the line 5 cents.
For example, Luett is -120 v me. If you want $60 on Luett you get $24 to win $20 at -120, $25 to win $20 at -125, and $30 to win $20 at -130.
And with that here you go:
Bair -180 v Skinner +140
Skinner is a really good dude. And the only one I’ll ever believe when they say they got an STD from a toilet seat because there is no chance he can get one out in the wild.
Bair needs a few tips on how to pick up ladies now that he’s single. I’ll sprinkle plenty in here but might as well throw the best one out there first.
I’d go to the bar with Skinner, stand at the opposite side, and watch all the ladies flock over to me when he creeps them the fuck out.
Stevens -115 v Essing -125
Here’s a look at these two trying to figure out who has the better golf swing but gets less out of it.
The good news is whoever wins gets to be the captain that gets their ass kicked by Weresh next year.
Both of these guys run great businesses for Bair’s single life.
He can take a girl to Climb Iowa to see which ones are too weak to get away from him.
Then he can get In the Bag. They have nice paper sacks you can use to put over the head of the snaggletooth you’ll break the slump with.
Elfers -160 v Donaldson +120
I’m sure the team Herrera plan here is to get both of them started drinking early in the morning, but a word to the wise. In the member-member, on hole 11 I saw Elfers pass out at the back of the green, have Wiig slap him awake, then casually drain the putt to move on.
Another dating tip for Bair. Here’s Elfers:
Normal good-looking dude right? But…when you stand next to this former male model Matt Donaldson everything changes:
Hart -160 v Roan +120
This isn’t 2020 so I’m not buying Roan’s COVID excuse for missing Friday morning.
I get that it was an early tee time and he was supposed to play with Bannister, but all I asked was for him to go over before the round to collect payment from our sponsor.
Wait a minute. He wouldn’t accept Venmo from her and he knew dad was out of the house for a few hours. Maybe this guy isn’t half as dumb as he looks.
Fun fact about Scott Hart. Elon Musk brought Hart in to talk to his Space-X engineers. Turns out no one has spent more time on another planet than Hart has.
Weresh -500 v Stefani +400
There are rumors going around that Stefani couldn’t break 90 on Friday.
But that makes the fact that he whooped my ass in singles last year even more embarrassing.
Not that he can’t break 90 this weekend, but that he would still get three points from me playing like that.
Unfortunately, he gets “Ocho.” I’m not sure if Golf Digest still has him ranked as the eighth-best surgeon golfer in the country these days, but he’s at least the second or third best in Atlantic.
I’m just going to warn you, Stefani. When Doc shows up in the bucket hart, cargo shorts, knee-high black socks, and hiking boots he isn’t going fishing. He’s there to chew gum and kick your ass and he’s all out of gum.
Bannister -120 v DePhillips -120
I don’t care what you guys say these two are the best four handicaps in the field. Smart move pairing them up so you didn’t have to put dots on a scorecard.
Breitbach +100 v Braunschwig -140
Another pairing I really like. PB doesn’t talk and Schwig doesn’t stop.
I’m a little sad I don’t get to play PB again for like the sixth straight year. Especially since I’m not sure he’s even won.
Instead, we send Schwig out whose game tends to look like this by the third day of a 3 day golf trip/event:
Honts -120 v Hvilko -120
I’d have an easier time setting odds on a crawling race between a couple of 12-month-olds than these two. Who the fuck knows? Has either one of them finished a hole yet?
I played behind Honts the first round so I got to see firsthand how bad things got with his tee shot on 12.
If you gave me ten buckets of balls, any club in the bag, and a chance to throw it off Luett’s belly I couldn’t get a ball to end up where that tee-ball was.
And it wasn’t even the worse one of the day! Thanks for letting the rest of us know there’s a yellow hazard in front of the 11 tee box on the North!
Hvilko is a great guy. Just a super dude. And I’m not just saying that while also not shaking his hand or riding on the same cart with him because he looks like the guy Putin sends to poison his enemies.
The KGB might be losing it’s touch though. That name is completely made up by grabbing letters out of a hat.
Debartolo -250 v Faidley +200
Look I shot a million today and I’m playing the only pro in the field.
I’m also not sure if you guys have seen the price of Bitcoin lately but if you don’t think I’d throw a singles match for $20 start piling it on.
For those of you who don’t know Sam, I played with him Friday.
I can tell you he’s in the insurance business, went to Dowling, has a serious girlfriend, grew up at the club, and played at UNI. His first kiss was a girl named Jessie he went on a bike ride with when he was in sixth grade. I know all this because I asked him.
Do you know what he knows about me? Nothing. Not a single thing.
I really think by the way he putted on the back nine it was probably that Weresh had him too fucked up on Busch Lattes and cigarettes. But I don’t remember a single, “how about you?” the entire round.
Then again it could be I’m the only one volunteering to ride with Luett. The guy who normally just ignores anything anyone ever says to him. I’d probably think someone dumb enough to want to partner with Nick is a douchebag too.
Luett -200 v BC +160
This is a fair pairing since Luett played a singles match today and BC got a couple of singles matches in on Friday. I hope Brent at least got to be the big spoon the last couple of nights since he played better.
Miller -300 v Ries +240
Kramer really lucked out here since Ries almost had to miss this event for the next stage of the US Open Qualifying
I’d love to tell you guys how well Miller played today but I know you’ve already heard all about it.
Herrera -180 v Kramer +140
Funny how every year Kramer isn’t the captain he shows up with two knee braces, a girdle, and a walking boot. Give him the chance to play with whoever he wants and against whoever he wants and he looks like this:
And lastly Ben. Who gives a fuck about Ben.